I’m usually never one to tell someone what they can and cannot say. You know those people: “Lets all stop using the word ‘_______’, okay?” in an effort to be PC and not offend anyone. I’m not one of those people. Say what you want, be offensive, don’t worry about upsetting people. Freedom of speech, this is Uh-Merica, fuck yeah! is my M.O.
THAT BEING SAID, there are a couple things that are so stupid and non-funny, I really WISH people would stop saying them. But! People don’t have to stop saying them; I’ll just think someone is non-funny and non-creative if they DO say these things.
Let’s delve into it, shall we?
Non-Funny Thing Number One: Say someone’s at work, and they stub their toe, or trip over air or something. The non-funny person will almost always say, “Hardy har har, I’m gonna sue for workman’s comp!”
Okay, first of all, it’s worker’s comp and has been for, like, 30 years. However, being the freedom of speech, this is Uh-Merica, fuck yeah! kind of person I am, I don’t think you HAVE to say “worker’s comp,” but I WILL think you’re an idiot if you say “workman’s comp.” So, do what you will with that information.
Anyway, the point here is not worker’s v. workman’s, it’s that the joke is not funny. It’s old, unoriginal, and, in my opinion, should be retired.
What should be said in its place? I don’t know, how about nothing? Jokes about suing people aren’t very funny, in my opinion.
Non-Funny Thing Number Two: Asking a pregnant woman if she’s having twins.
I think we can all agree (and if not, it’s cool! You don’t have to agree, but you can probably guess what I’ll think about you if you don’t), pregnant or not, you shouldn’t make a comment about a woman’s appearance unless it’s to say, “Wow! You look great!”
I have not (luckily) (at least not yet) had anyone ask if I was having twins (and I hope it doesn’t happen, because I really can’t be a very good parent from prison, now can I?) but I have heard that this has been said to numerous pregnant women and it floors me.
It’s just. Not. Funny. I think Marie (who’s pregnant with her fourth!) said it best on twitter earlier today, “Even when I WAS having twins, I hated that smug, stupid comment. Though I could vindicate a little by saying WHY YES I AM. Though when I’d say YES I AM, they were ALWAYS shocked. So they didn’t think I was and were saying it to be jerks? Yep.”
My gestational buddy (quick! someone make a lame joke about how we must all be drinking the same Internet water!) TJ also made a great point about this topic: “If you think you know how pregnant I am or how close to the end I am or how many babies must be inside me or how so totally wrong my OB is about my due date – you are wrong.”
So, what to say to a pregnant woman if you don’t want to go the twin route? Well, again, sometimes a joke just isn’t necessary. Talking about the effect CREATING LIFE is having on someone’s body is probably one of those times.
But, if you do want to say something about a pregnant woman’s appearance, a “Wow! You look great!” works every time.
This third thing isn’t non-funny, but it is non-creative and it bugs me, so I thought I’d add it to the list as a, It’d Be Cool If People Stop Doing This (But Again, No One Has To Stop Doing Anything) item.
Non-Creative Thing Number Three: When writing, say, a news article, or perhaps a school paper, someone cites the definition of a word as a part of their argument.
Now, I never went to law school, but I’m pretty sure, “Cite Merriam Webster as the crux of your argument” is not taught.
If your argument hinges solely on the definition of a word, then you’re a really shitty arguer. I’m not saying we all need to be law-school educated to make a point (as I said, I’m not, and I’d even go as far as to say I’m not a very good arguer, which is something I work on daily, because I really would like to get my thoughts across in an eloquent and smart way), but I definitely think there’s a better way than citing the etymology of an archaic word.
Unless, of course, you’re trying to accurately define awesome, in which case, open the dictionary, you’ll find my picture.
(Ooooh, another lame joke, sorry!)
I was asked if I was having twins.
BOTH TIMES I was pregnant.
BOTH TIMES by my MIL.
I’m with you on all of these. I would never never NEVER comment on a woman’s gestational anything, least of all the potential number of fun-size humans currently incubating.
My grandmother did at one point suggest my sister was going to have twins, but it wasn’t a question. My grandmother is slightly prophetic when it comes to baby counts and due dates. She chose mine to the day (June 15th), some ten days after the doctor said I was due.
OMG my beyotch MIL asked me if I was sure there weren’t two in there this time.
Ok, so this is related to none of those, but IS a dumb thing people say like they’re the FIRST PERSON TO EVER THINK OF IT.
I was a waitress for a long time, and I bet anyone who was also a server of food has already come up with six different ideas for what I’m about to say, but I’ll stick to one.
So I go to a table – it was a family restaurant (Friendly’s), so, you know, lots of families – and I say, Hi, I’m Kelly, I’ll be your server tonight and sometimes – LOTS more times than each dude was aware of – there’d be someone – always a guy, USUALLY a dad (DAD HUMOR), who would respond, “Hi, Kelly, I’m Steve and I’ll be your customer tonight!”
And then I had to LAUGH like I had NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE EVER.
But I had.
A LOT.
But you know what I eventually figured out? If, after hearing such a HILARIOUS LINE, I made it a point to refer to Steve AS STEVE for the rest of the night? SWEET ASS TIP.
Like, “What can I get everyone to drink? Ok, milk for you, Diet Coke? Got it. Strawberry milkshake aaaaaaand…. how about for you, STEVE?”
“And what’s everyone having for dessert tonight? Yep, I figured you for a hot fudge sundae kind of guy, STEVE.”
Personally, I am not a banter with the server type when I am out, though I am of course more than friendly. You can pick out the people who ARE, though. Mainly because they make REALLY LAME OVER DONE JOKES. Always nailed a good tip on those guys, once I figured that out.
Dude. This week I got “when’s the baby due?” *pause for my reply* “ooohhhh …. you’ve got quite some time left then!” and then I stabbed her in her stupid skinny face because what is the implication? That I’m so big that she thought my due date was a lot sooner than it really is? There is no other way to take that. Also, it was the first time I’d met her (girlfriend of an acquaintance) and she is stupidly gorgeous and TINY so I was stabby to begin with. People should just not speak to pregnant ladies, I reckon.
This comes from too many years of living in the city, and I apologize for getting all capsy up in here, but: Homeless Men of the World: DON’T CHASTISE ME FOR NOT SMILING. DON’T TELL ME I’D PRETTIER IF I WAS SMILING, AND THEN SUGGEST I’M AN UPTIGHT BITCH FOR NOT SMILING. YOU MAKE ME STABBY.
Every. Fucking. Day. Sometimes, you just want to walk to work in your early morning haze and not be told to smile by random ass dudes on the street. What am I, the welcoming committe? For the love.
And also: as much as I can imagine “Any day now!” comments to pregnant women are nails-on-a-chalkboard, that is how I feel about people (not friends. People who are outside my circle of fertility trust) asking me when I want to get pregnant and then reminding me it gets harder if I wait. Because,you know, I might not have known that. It is SO HELPFUL to be reminder, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. (/sarcasm)
You know, what is WITH people? I’m sure I make unintentional jerkface comments occasionally, but some people do it on PURPOSE.
One of the non-creative things people say that really irks me is when they pick up on something about you, something that either defines you or makes you proud – like maybe you’re a motorcycle expert or an Ivy League grad or a teacher or a fantastic cake baker or whatever about you that is YOU and makes you stand up a little taller. And then any time you do something remotely human, the non-creative person throws it in your face. Like if you write a note and misspell something in your hurry, this person would say, “Gee, I thought you were an EDITOR. But you can’t even spell.” Or whatever.
This sounds kind of dumb and I’m explaining it poorly (“Gee, I thought you were a WRITER.”) but it’s happened to me several times and irked me every time. Perhaps I merely have a thin skin, though. There’s always that.
This comment might make the list of things not to say, and I totally don’t mean this to be an irritating a-hole, but it’s actually workers’ comp, not worker’s comp.
I only notice such things as I work in publishing and have AP style branded on my brain.
The freaky old Greek ladies in the neighborhood used to walk up and put their hands on my belly when I was pregnant. They would declare I was carrying a boy (which I was, but I chose not to find that out until he was on the outside) and debated over my due date. It was…uncomfortable.
I think what pissed me off most was people freaking out when I announced I was pregnant, saying, “Where are you gonna put a baby in that tiny body!?!?!? You’re gonna explode!” I’m 5 feet flat and, yes, it looked like I’d shoved a basketball up my shirt, but whatever. I told them I’d find a way. And I did. WITHOUT EXPLODING.
People who correct other people’s spelling in the comments section of a blog site seem to be the thing that’s irritating me the most tonight.
I’m sorry… is that other peoples’ or other people’s?
Just fuckin checking.
Yeah I went to the zoo today and I had several “Wow you must be almost done!” or “You look so uncomfortable!” comments from complete strangers. Yeah. Ok. I”m large. I get it. I really, REALLY don’t need you to point it out to me. No twins comments, though… so I guess that’s a positive?
I had someone ask me if I was having TRIPLETS. I wanted to shoot my placenta at him, but I was still using it.