As if the giving birth and all that weren’t bad enough, there seems to be a whole array of other very non-attractive things that happen to one’s body when one is, oh so blessedly, with child. Although I’m the one who’s forced to live through this joyous and wonderful time of child-bearing, I do feel sort of bad for Chris, my baby daddy, the knocker-upper, the poor sap who has to deal with all my mood swings and gross ailments.
You see, I’ve always tried to be somewhat of a lady* in front of Chris. Other than my wicked burping skills, which I only show off because I am an AWESOME BURPER, I keep all bodily functions private. And sure, while I routinely have eating contests with Chris – even though he’s not playing along, but rather, just eating his dinner – I really do try to be a lady and shelter him from the more icky aspects of my life.
Unfortunately, with pregnancy, I’ve found that hiding this crap – no pun intended, really – has gone out the window and I just cannot keep up the appearance of being a lady anymore (which is funny, because being pregnant sure is the epitome of being a lady, yes?) Here’s a sampling of some of the things I’ve said so far and, since I still have six months to go, I reckon this list is only going to grow:
“Have you ever had gas so bad you thought your insides were going to jump out of your body?”
“Stop touching me! I’m trying not to fart.”
“Let’s snuggle. But wait, you need to make room for my old lady pillow.” (Ladies. Pillow between the legs? Oh what a beautiful thing – my hips are happy sleepers!)
“I think I have to go to the bathroom. Cross your fingers I’ll be able to go!”
“This baby is making me…More hairy.”
And, the coup de grace…
“I think being pregnant might give me hemorrhoids.”
To which Chris responded, “WHAT THE HELL.”
Which caused me to whip out the pregnancy handbook my doctor’s office gave me, where I read aloud to Chris from the hemorrhoid section (THERE WAS A HEMORRHOID SECTION), “It says here to take a shit with your feet on a stool to relieve pressure…”
And then “take a shit with your feet on a stool” basically made our night. Which isn’t saying a lot, as we were already in bed. At nine o’clock.
Aaaaand now I’ve just confirmed how sad my life is. As if I didn’t already know that. THANKS A LOT, baby.
*A very apropos story, in light of Prince William getting engaged. When Lady Di and Prince Charles were getting married, my mom and grandma were watching it on TV and my mom asked my grandma, “Mom, how exactly does one become a Lady?” to which my grandma responded, “Stop saying ‘fuck’ so much.” Touche.
I have no hope of being a lady.
Given that Scott and I are also insanely private about such things, you’ve just given me yet another reason for not getting knocked up =) The only time we’ve ever done such a thing is a) in his sleep and b) when I had a colonscopy and came out of the procedure and they told me it might happen and it totally did but it was OK because I had some AWESOME drugs and I didn’t even remember it…until the next day. And that was the LAST time such unmentionable things are happening in our relationship.
Oh lady, you kill me. I had to read this out loud to Erik. Thank you for the laughs. 🙂
You are hilarious. And its so true, and I’m only 7weeks! I’m hoping to recollect my dignity and lady status after giving birth. Okay maybe like a couple of months after…
Hilarious! I can’t wait to read the quotes when you’re eight months along! Life, it is dirty.
Ha! Love it. Poor Chris. Well. Not really. I mean, he is partly to blame for your situation, right?
Yeah, the farting was an issue at my house too. I too am a MASTER BLECHER- but when pregnant it’s insane, I’d burp every time I’d roll over at night.There’s so much more waiting for you, peeing when you laugh, looking to see if there is an actual foot sticking out of you- it’s such a magical time.
not long ago, I was sitting there and happen to put my feet upon the kids’ stool in the bathroom and my life was forever changed. That’s AWESOME that you mention this here. I thought I had discovered something HUGE.
I haven’t been able to sleep without a pillow between my legs since I was pregnant with Isaiah, lol! It’s like my hips don’t know how to properly align themselves anymore, it’s the saddest/lamest thing!
I forgot all about the last one. It’s still funny.
Love you Sar-Bear! Bump – my ass. I have a bigger bump than you which, BTW, makes me realize that this gravity shit is for real.
Great playing with you and Chris this weekend.
And about the Lady Di story – all true – but the best part was that I think that may have been the first time I actually heard your Bammy say a swear word. Now of course she’s joined the ranks of truck driver like the rest of us but at the time OMG – TOUCHE indeed!
When Mike ran to the store to get my stool softener and Metamucil, I figured all bets were off.
But I still refuse to look at how long his poop is. I mean, REALLY?! Do you THINK you’re living in a frat house, buddy? I WILL NOT LOOK AT YOUR POOP.
Ahem.
Just hypothetically speaking, of course.
PS: I lived in FEAR of the h-word.
Happily, there was no such problem. Yippee!
Oh man pregnancy hemorrhoids are so bad. It’s like you have a third ass. I gave up on being dainty sometime during the first trimester.
I was terrifed of getting hemorrhoids but never did – either time. Thank God! I wish my husband was as private about the icky parts of his life as you are – sheesh!