No more butts! Please!

Posted on July 26, 2009 by Sarah

So can we talk about travel etiquette for a hot minute? I spent most of my day today traveling – I was in and out of several airports and on a couple planes – and by the last leg of my trip, I decided that I’d had ENOUGH of all the BUTTS. Let’s go over a few things, shall we?

I understand the nervous-nellie travelers; those who get to the airport hours early so as not to miss their flight. Hey, I get ya’, I’m not down with missing a flight, either. However, once at the airport, when the departure board has been checked and the gate number has been confirmed, I do not believe in lining up and waiting. Color me crazy, but I think it’s a little rude to stand there with your bottom in someone elses’s face. Someone who is doing exactly what you’re doing – waiting – except in a chair. I understand the whole not-wanting-to sit-when-you’re-going-to-be-sitting-for-three-plus-hours thing and to that I say, Go stand against with your butt against a wall! That’s what I did!

Fast-forward…Now you’re on the plane, comfortably squished in your aisle seat, and the person sitting by the window needs to get up to use the lavatory. No problem there, we’ve all gotta go! But hey, maybe you could just ask your row-mates to get up, rather than CLIMBING OVER THEM. There is hardly enough room to do that in First Class, let alone in Coach! I actually had this happen to me today and the guy who was trying to climb over me was insisting that I stay put, so as not to bother me! Umm, hello, I’m a married lady here. I don’t need ANY butts in my face, let alone a foreign one! Just ask me to move; I am sitting in the aisle seat and am totally prepared for a few ups and downs.

Okay, you’ve survived the flight and enjoyed Monsters v. Aliens (cute movie). However, the door to the plane hasn’t even been opened yet and people! everywhere! are up! with their butts in your face! I think this bugs me most of all. We’re ALL going to need to disembark. We’re ALL going to need to get something from an overhead bin. We’re ALL sick of standing! But what makes these people think they’re so special they can jump up first and just stand there with their suitcase blocking the aisle and their butt in your face? How about we all hold tight for a few minutes and get off the plane in organized little rows and columns, just like [my OCD] God intended.

Well! I don’t know about you, but I feel much better now that I’ve gotten all that off my, err, chest. What about you? What travel issues get your panties in a twist?

Posted in Travel | 2 Comments

Rude awakening

Posted on July 8, 2009 by Sarah

I like to think that I’m just the apple of Chris’s eye, the bees to his knees, his cat’s meow, but today I was put in my place.*

As I was reading the June issue of Elle magazine today – the one with Megan Fox on the cover NEED I EVEN FINISH THIS BLOG POST – I thought to myself, Daaaaaaaamn she is criminally hot. Like, she should literally be in jail for her hotness, it’s just that dangerous.

With all her tattoos and her kind of dirty look (and by dirty, I mean both kinds here: the kind where your mind is in the gutter and the kind where she’s been in the gutter), I thought, if Chris and I were walking down the street and I saw Megan Fox walking towards us, I would cross the street or randomly change our direction. SHE IS TOO MUCH HIS TYPE.

But then I thought, Sarah, please! Chris probably doesn’t even know who Megan Fox is! He doesn’t keep up with all that Hollywood crap, and it’s not like Megan Fox has actually been in any movies he’s seen, so how would he ever know who she is?! Ah, sweet relief.

Then this evening, as I was sitting oh-so-attractively hunched over myself, painting my toenails, I asked Chris, “So, do you know who Megan Fox is?” and was met with a resounding, definitive, “UMM…YEAH!”

Ahem, so I guess that answered that one, didn’t it?

*I’m only kidding, I know I totally rock Chris’s world upsidedown and backwards.

Posted in All About Moi, Book, Movies, TV, & Music, Chris | 3 Comments

I once ate so much gouda I puked

Posted on July 1, 2009 by Sarah

It was June…or maybe July…or it could’ve been August Summer 2004 and I had just arrived in Madrid, Spain. If you’ve ever been to Spain, then you know there are about two things you can eat there on the cheap: kabobs and jamon.

While the kabobs were delicious, there was something a little disheartening about watching a sweaty man shave meat off a huge chunk of beef or pork or who-knows-what spinning around on a spit. In light of that fact, we ended up eating a lot of jamon. Jamon for breakfast, jamon for snacks, jamon for lunch, jamon around siesta-time, jamon for dinner, you get the idea…

I’ve always thought of the pig as my friend. First of all, there’s bacon. And sausage. And various other forms of cured pork products like prosciutto and salami and pepperoni. After about four days of nothing but jamon sandwiches, though, I needed a change.

My travel companions and I headed to the local market in search of some nuevo comida de Espana [yay! for four years of high school Spanish!] For under $15 USD, we ended up with a loaf of bread, gouda cheese, strawberries, and green beans. It was easy to figure out the quantities of bread, fruit, and vegetables we would need. The gouda, however, was a little trickier. I remember standing at the cheese counter, confused by that damn metric system, trying to do the conversions, but to no avail. Finally, I had the cheese-monger cut me “about this much” off a wheel of gouda and we were on our way.

We took our treats to a local park and had a lovely picnic, where we felt quite quant and European [I’m so sure.] All was fine, except that I could. Not. Stop. Eating. Cheese. As much as I was FILLED TO THE BRIM and as much as I TRIED to stop eating, I just couldn’t do it.

After the park, we headed back to our hostel where – shocker – I proceeded to take a nap. [Hey, it was probably siesta, anyway.] I awoke a couple hours later feeling…not quite right…and spent the next couple hours in the bathroom, ejecting an enormous amount of cheese out my pie-hole.

Following that little layover in hell, I did what any self-respecting American would do: I walked down to my favorite Irish restaurant, McDonald’s, and got myself two hamburgers and a super-sized fry, after which, I felt AWESOME.

There’s really no point to this story – ah-ha! Would you look at that! It’s a long, pointless story! – except to say that if you’re planning a summer vacation in a European country, I would advise you to A) Learn the metric system, and/or B) Don’t eat so much cheese in one sitting, and/or C) Just eat at McDonald’s the entire time.

Posted in Embarrassing Myself Daily, Food & Wine, Travel | 3 Comments

My life is consumed by inconsequential thoughts. And also kind of a tribute to Michael Jackson

Posted on June 28, 2009 by Sarah

You may have noticed recently the blogs wherein I ask you the readers to settle a very serious debate between me and Chris. You see, when we disagreed on who the better dancer or who the better ’90s grunge rocker was, I took the debate here to be settled. And why wouldn’t I? The Internet can answer all of life’s questions, right?

[For the record, I chose Patrick Swayze as Best Dancer and Chris Cornell as Best ’90s Grunge Rocker. Patrick Swayze v. John Travolta was a toughie. “Pulp Fiction” is one of my all time favorite movies, but The Swayze’s sexy dance moves in “Dirty Dancing” just couldn’t be beat. I also won’t deny that a big reason I picked him was because he picked Baby. Any girl who’s ever gone through, err, prominent nose issues during her teens can relate to this one. As for Eddie Vedder v. Chris Cornell, Chris is just hotter, hands down.]

The next big debate I was going to post here was one with Michael Jackson as one of the choices. And, well, as you already know [and if you don’t, here, let me do the cliched, “Have you been living under a rock or what?!”] Michael Jackson is dead and now it seems like I’m writing this blog for him, but I swear I’m not. I have actually been thinking about this one for well over a month, which I think proves two things: 1) I spend entirely too much time thinking about things that DON’T MATTER AT ALL, and 2) I am incredibly lazy and a failure at blogging if I can’t post the one thing I’ve been thinking about posting for a month.

So, readers, I know this one’s kind of a gimme, but in honor of the late, great MJ, help me settle this one:

“Smooth Criminal”-off: Michael Jackson v. Alien Ant Farm.

You decide.

Posted in Book, Movies, TV, & Music | 1 Comment

Being a woman is annoying

Posted on June 13, 2009 by Sarah

I’ve almost started crying three times in the last 20 minutes and all I’m doing is reading blogs and watching “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.”

Yup, It’s official. I’m PMSing.

Posted in All About Moi | 2 Comments

A conversation between the oldest of four boys and an only child girl

Posted on June 13, 2009 by Sarah

Me: Did you take Flinstone’s Vitamins as a kid?

Chris: Yeah, somebody got one up their nose and had to go to the emergency room.

Me: Blank stare…

Chris: I can’t remember who it was, it might have been me, I really have no idea.

Me: Blank stare…

Chris: You should ask my mom; she probably remembers who it was.

Me: I really don’t think your mom needs to relive that…

Posted in All About Moi, Chris | 4 Comments

’90s grunge-rock sing-off

Posted on June 9, 2009 by Sarah

Eddie Vedder v. Chris Cornell.

You decide.

Posted in Book, Movies, TV, & Music, Chris | 2 Comments

All about my iPhone

Posted on June 2, 2009 by Sarah

I recently acquired a free iPhone via a work event, and it really couldn’t have come at a better time, as my old phone was on its very last leg. Unfortunately with the iPhone, you have to have your contract with AT&T Cingular The New AT&T. I had really been looking forward to finally parting ways with those mother effers, but I figured it was a small price to pay for the almighty iPhone.

Other than its sleek look, I can’t say that I absolutely love the iPhone just yet. It may come as a surprise to you, but I’m not exactly the most technologically savvy person and, other than text messaging, haven’t really bothered to figure out what else it does.

Speaking of text messaging, that damn touch-screen is something to get used to, LET ME TELL YOU THAT. If you’ve received a text message from me in the last month, you can attest to this fact, as my texts come across looking like they were sent from a drunk toddler.

For example, this morning, I sent Chris a text telling him that my grandma was now on Faceboob. Except now that I look at a keyboard, B and K are not even really close to each other, are they? I think a psychotherapist would have a lot to say about that. I say it probably just means I’m a pervert.

Posted in All About Moi, Nerd Alert! | 6 Comments

Sunglasses are invading my home

Posted on June 2, 2009 by Sarah

Up until very recently, I never really paid attention to the sunglasses in my life. We had two pairs total: one pair of Chris’s and one pair of mine and unless on our faces, these sunglasses rarely made an appearance. My sunglasses resided in my purse and Chris’s lived…wherever boys keep their sunglasses.

A couple weeks ago, I finally got sick and tired enough of all the scratches on my five-year-old Chanels that I took my happy-ass over to the Sunglass Hut and bought three new pairs of sunglasses. [For the record only two of those were for me – one brown pair, one black pair, obviously. The other pair was for Chris, because he enjoys presents too.]

When I got home from the store, Chris and I sat at the dining room table and tried on all our different pairs of sunglasses, admiring Chris’s new Oakleys with the cute very manly pattern and my Ralph Laurens, which were only decided upon after many, many minutes of careful deliberation: “Should I get the the black ones with the gold detailing and the turquoise inner frame or the brown ones with the gold detailing and the powder-blue inner frame OR the black ones with the silver detailing and the white inner frame?” [The choices, obviously, were nerve-wracking; I finally ended up with the black ones with the silver detailing and the white inner frame, in case you were waiting on the edge of your seat.] In addition to our three new pairs of sunglasses, we also had our two old pairs and a pair of old Oakleys that I’d never seen, but that Chris apparently found in a dishwasher.

So there we were with six pairs of sunglasses, which I thought were just making a temporary home on our dining room table. Except that here we are, going on a month later, and all six pairs of sunglasses are still there. And they’re annoying the ever-living shit out of me. It’s not like they’re taking up a lot of room on our dining room table. It’s not even like we use our dining room table for actual eating – in case you’ve forgotten, we live in America, where all meals are consumed in front of the TV. No, it’s just that they’re creating this unnecessary clutter that drives me, as Gwen Stefani would say, bananas, this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

I know one day, we’ll have a bigger home and dogs and children and I’m sure then all all my OCD bitching and complaining about too many sunglasses, waaah! all my cute accessories stress me out!, will seem really stupid and silly. But for now? Right now, these sunglasses are taking over my home and it’s driving me CRAZY.

Posted in Beauty & Fashion | Comments Off on Sunglasses are invading my home

I feel like there should be a joke somewhere in this blog post

Posted on May 27, 2009 by Sarah

Last night Chris and I watched “Doubt,” the Oscar-nominated nun/priest movie starring Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and that one chick who everyone mistakes for Borat’s wife.

While we’re on the subject, may I just say that other peoples’ constant confusion between Isla Fischer and Amy Adams is one that annoys me to no end. I mean, sure, they’re both petite, red-haired actresses, but hello! “Drop Dead Gorgeous”?! “Catch Me If You Can”?! “Talladega Nights,” for god’s sake?! (Granted, Isla Fisher was in “Wedding Crashers,” another favorite of mine, but still, Amy’s my main gal. Ahem, obviously.)

Awkward, obsessive rant about celebrities I’ve never met nor will ever meet: Over.

So anytime I see a lot of nuns in one place, I’m reminded of this one time I was driving home from work. I was stuck behind a slow car, not too slow, but slow enough to be annoying – you know the type – and when I passed the car, I glanced over to see who had momentarily caused my speedometer to drop below 65 miles per hour and saw FIVE nuns in the car. FIVE NUNS! It wasn’t like one or two nuns, that would have been fairly routine. But no, every available seat in the car was occupied by a nun. Even the hump seat! There was a nun on the hump! Has that ever happened in the history of the nunnery? I think not.

[See what I mean about the joke? Isn’t there some sort of, “How many nuns can you fit in a VW Bug?” kind of thing going on there? No? Ooookay, moving on.]

So there were FIVE NUNS! driving the speed limit down the freeway and after I glanced over (and thanked God that I hadn’t flipped them off), I started laughing out loud. Because really, how are nuns supposed to drive other than sensibly? I mean, the day I see a gaggle of nuns barrel-assing down the freeway will be the day I know that Armageddon is imminent.

Posted in Book, Movies, TV, & Music, Nerd Alert! | 3 Comments