Insomniacs in the night
Scene: Three o'clock in the morning, two people are wide awake in bed
"How are you supposed to fall back asleep if you're looking at your phone?"
"I was just thinking that. But when I get something in my head, I have to look it up..."
"...Wait, how are you supposed to fall back asleep if you're talking to me?"
"I was just thinking that."
"Remember when I use to be such a good sleeper?"
"Then we went and had a kid..."
"...And yet the kid is the only one actually asleep in this house."
First world problems
My car unlock clicker do-dad has stopped working and I practically break my thumb every time I try to open my car door. I've tried changing the battery and the problem persists, so that's obviously not the issue. Every morning I walk out to my car, lugging 20 pounds of baby, her bag of stuff, and my bag of stuff and then I sit there while I *click click click* until I finally give up, plop LG and all our shit on the ground, walk around to my side of the car, unlock it manually, then walk back to the passenger side where I practically break my back trying to get her into the backseat. Once I finally get in the driver's seat -- hopefully I haven't banged my head against the car door jamb, as that seems to be happening with regularity these days -- I'm sweating and, due to too much vigorous movement, my pants have practically fallen down...
...Which brings me to this: I have no pants. My jeggings (my beloved jeggings!) are getting droopy, both pairs of my leggings are droopy AND have holes in the butt, and the pants I recently ordered from Old Navy don't fit. And not because they're too big.
I left my travel-sized face wash in the bathroom in Austin. It was Kiehl's and it was FREE and while I didn't love it, it was the only nice travel face wash I ever had and I only got to use it twice before leaving it a tired stupor at the Hyatt at 6am.
The newspaper reprinted last Sunday's crossword puzzle this Sunday and never fixed the mistake. I look forward to very little on Mondays, the crossword puzzle being at the top of the list.
What are your first world problems these days?
The Rules of Meetings
No meeting shall begin before 10am.
No meeting shall begin after 3pm.
Lunch meetings should be catered.
Anything to add?
Peanut free mom*!
Me: Oh, I need to get a peanut to rub on LG's face.
Chris: ...WHY?
Me: Because I want to make sure she's not allergic to peanuts.
Chris: ...
Me, grabbing a peanut from a container of mixed nuts: We need to build up her immunity!
Chris: Well you need to use one without the skin on it! It needs to be a plain peanut!
Aaaaand, this is why we're awesome parents.
Also, the rub-a-peanut-on-LG test turned out positive. Or negative. Whatever, she was fine.
*The title comes from the Twitter account @PeanutFreeMom, which is a parody on all the nut-(no pun intended)-case parents out there. I don't follow him/her, but I do check in every once in awhile for a chuckle.
WHEN SUNFLOWERS ATTACK!!!
Well, it appears I'm good at growing something.
Behold...
July 10, 2011
DUDE! Look how big these sunflowers are!!!
And now...
August 7, 2011
Umm. Holy crap. And the flowers still haven't bloomed yet, which makes me wonder...Exactly how tall are these mo-fos gonna get? Hey neighbors, I hope you like sunflowers in your yard!
So. Who wants roasted sunflower seeds this fall? Anyone?
Also, remind me to tell you sometime about my fear of plants. It's...interesting.
“It’s funny what a young (wo)man recollects.”
I used to work at Long's, which for those of you not on the west coast, was a drugstore chain that's now become CVS.
Among many different departments, I spent a good chunk of time working in cosmetics. So I basically spent a good chunk of time deciding which new mascara and/or lip gloss I was going to buy, Windexing countertops, and avoiding customers.
(It was at Long's that I honed my stellar people skills, and by stellar, I mean my boss told me he didn't want to have to fire me, but was going to have to fire me if I didn't get better secret shopper scores. (I also honed my facing/dusting skills; in fact, I still face shelves when I go to a drugstore. Pull from the back, from the back! And if still I carried a feather duster around in my back pocket, I'd dust the shit out of those shelves too.))
Anyway, all of this is not really relevant. What IS relevant (sort of, not really) is that I took away one thing from all those years working at Long's. And I'm going to share it with you today, so that you can go forth with this invaluable knowledge and change lives. Or whatever. Okay, are you ready? Are you ready to have your life changed or whatever? Here you go...
When a product says it's non-scented or unscented, it means something has been ADDED TO IT to make it not scented.
I KNOW. Does it totally blow your mind, too?
All those times you've bought something unscented because you didn't want to use a product that had extra ingredients in it? You were using a product with extra ingredients in it!
I'm still sort of shocked myself.
Anyway, do what you will with this information. Go on, change lives. Or whatever.
In the meantime, what's your favorite lotion? I use Jergens Ultra Healing lotion, but in the winter, when it's too chilly for lotioning, I use Neutrogena body oil. Oh! And in the summer I sometimes use Aveeno Active Naturals Daily Moisturizing Lotion with SPF 15.
Houston, we have an issue
I'm not usually one who gets behind an "issue" and encourages others to band together with her for or against this issue. I know I personally feel alienated when, on someone's blog, I read a post about how everyone should be for or against this particular issue and if you're not, then you have no heart or you're evil or what-have-you. This is Uh-Merica, where anyone can be for or against any issue they want (right on.)
Until now! Because I have an "issue," you guys, one that I think ALL OF US, EVERYWHERE can agree needs to stop. Immediately.
My issue is this: Stop Food Network Hosts From Tasting Food On Camera.
The reasons are thrice-fold and are as follows:
Reason Number One Food Network Hosts Need To Stop Tasting Food On Camera: HEY JEALOUSY
I'm not normally a jealous person, but when I watch the Food Network, though I do love it, I can't help but get a little jealous. Annie B. is there making some DELICIOUS meal with truffles flown in from Italy and creme brulees with her fancy torch and I'm sitting on my couch wearing leggings that have a hole in the butt and I'm STARVING and am probably going to get up and eat a PB&J or perhaps a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch. The last thing I want to see is Annie B. take a bite of the fancy truffled food or the crispy top of the creme brulee. I've already had to watch the entire meal preparation and now I have to watch her eat it? HEY JEALOUSY.
Reason Number Two Food Network Hosts Need To Stop Tasting Food On Camera: Hot Plate! Hot Plate!
Food Network shows are timed pretty rigorously; you can tell they don't use a lot of takes, which I totally appreciate, as I think it adds to the integrity of the cooking ("integrity of the cooking"? God, I'm lame.) Anyway, the problem with this is that food comes out of the oven and the Food Network host, because they HAVE to TASTE IT, ON CAMERA, is forced to eat a bite of piping hot food. That's just uncomfortable, man. For them, especially, but also for me and you. I don't know how many times I've put food in front of Chris and said, "Be careful! It's hot!" only to see him dive right in and do the whoo-hoo-hot!-but delicious! face. Watching someone burn their mouth is just not appetizing. Hot plate! Hot plate!
Reason Number Three Food Network Hosts Need To Stop Tasting Food On Camera: Mom Said Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full
I don't think I really need to go into much detail here. No one likes to watch someone talk and eat at the same time. It's gross and unattractive, but due to the aforementioned time restraints, happens ALL THE TIME on the Food Network. ESPECIALLY, it should be noted, to Guy Fieri, my arch nemesis. Hey Guy! Mom said don't talk with your mouth full (you ass.)
So there you have it, my "issue," which I think we can ALL get behind. Hey Food Network! Stop making your hosts taste food on camera!
Things I don’t think you should say or do (but do what you want!)
I'm usually never one to tell someone what they can and cannot say. You know those people: "Lets all stop using the word '_______', okay?" in an effort to be PC and not offend anyone. I'm not one of those people. Say what you want, be offensive, don't worry about upsetting people. Freedom of speech, this is Uh-Merica, fuck yeah! is my M.O.
THAT BEING SAID, there are a couple things that are so stupid and non-funny, I really WISH people would stop saying them. But! People don't have to stop saying them; I'll just think someone is non-funny and non-creative if they DO say these things.
Let's delve into it, shall we?
Non-Funny Thing Number One: Say someone's at work, and they stub their toe, or trip over air or something. The non-funny person will almost always say, "Hardy har har, I'm gonna sue for workman's comp!"
Okay, first of all, it's worker's comp and has been for, like, 30 years. However, being the freedom of speech, this is Uh-Merica, fuck yeah! kind of person I am, I don't think you HAVE to say "worker's comp," but I WILL think you're an idiot if you say "workman's comp." So, do what you will with that information.
Anyway, the point here is not worker's v. workman's, it's that the joke is not funny. It's old, unoriginal, and, in my opinion, should be retired.
What should be said in its place? I don't know, how about nothing? Jokes about suing people aren't very funny, in my opinion.
Non-Funny Thing Number Two: Asking a pregnant woman if she's having twins.
I think we can all agree (and if not, it's cool! You don't have to agree, but you can probably guess what I'll think about you if you don't), pregnant or not, you shouldn't make a comment about a woman's appearance unless it's to say, "Wow! You look great!"
I have not (luckily) (at least not yet) had anyone ask if I was having twins (and I hope it doesn't happen, because I really can't be a very good parent from prison, now can I?) but I have heard that this has been said to numerous pregnant women and it floors me.
It's just. Not. Funny. I think Marie (who's pregnant with her fourth!) said it best on twitter earlier today, "Even when I WAS having twins, I hated that smug, stupid comment. Though I could vindicate a little by saying WHY YES I AM. Though when I'd say YES I AM, they were ALWAYS shocked. So they didn't think I was and were saying it to be jerks? Yep.”
My gestational buddy (quick! someone make a lame joke about how we must all be drinking the same Internet water!) TJ also made a great point about this topic: "If you think you know how pregnant I am or how close to the end I am or how many babies must be inside me or how so totally wrong my OB is about my due date – you are wrong."
So, what to say to a pregnant woman if you don't want to go the twin route? Well, again, sometimes a joke just isn't necessary. Talking about the effect CREATING LIFE is having on someone's body is probably one of those times.
But, if you do want to say something about a pregnant woman's appearance, a "Wow! You look great!" works every time.
This third thing isn't non-funny, but it is non-creative and it bugs me, so I thought I'd add it to the list as a, It'd Be Cool If People Stop Doing This (But Again, No One Has To Stop Doing Anything) item.
Non-Creative Thing Number Three: When writing, say, a news article, or perhaps a school paper, someone cites the definition of a word as a part of their argument.
Now, I never went to law school, but I'm pretty sure, "Cite Merriam Webster as the crux of your argument" is not taught.
If your argument hinges solely on the definition of a word, then you're a really shitty arguer. I'm not saying we all need to be law-school educated to make a point (as I said, I'm not, and I'd even go as far as to say I'm not a very good arguer, which is something I work on daily, because I really would like to get my thoughts across in an eloquent and smart way), but I definitely think there's a better way than citing the etymology of an archaic word.
Unless, of course, you're trying to accurately define awesome, in which case, open the dictionary, you'll find my picture.
(Ooooh, another lame joke, sorry!)
I don’t really like talking about my flare
A glimpse into a typical day 'round here:
Me: Didn't you play an instrument? What was it...The clarinet?
Chris: NO. I played the saxophone.
Me: Oh, like Lisa Simpson?
Chris: NO. Like Bill Clinton.
And then someone starts singing "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" and then we watch "Office Space."
Fly like a cheese-stick
I think everyone has that one song (or songs) whose lyrics they totally botch.
When I was a kid, I used to think in the song "Reach Out I'll Be There," The Four Tops were singing, "I'll be damned," rather than, "I'll be there." ("And Iiiiiiiii'll be damned!")
I still maintain Smashing Pumpkins' "Bullets With Butterfly Wings" would be a better song with MY lyrics, which would be, "Despite all my rage, I'm still just ready to cave" NOT, "Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage."
One of my brothers-in-law thought AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" was, "Dirty feet, I ain't got none shoes." (HAH, I know, awesome, isn't it?)
My favorite one recently is Far East Movement's "Like a G6," which, for the record, I did know the lyrics to, but laughed out loud when Chris texted me saying one of his employees thought the lyric was, "Fly like a cheese-stick." ("Like a cheese-stick, like cheese-stick.")
What lyrics do you totally fudge up? Any bands (Smashing Pumpkins, I'm looking at YOU) whose songs you think would be better off with your lyrics?
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